Anachronism Video

Seattle has a grand total of one Blockbuster Video.

No really, it’s true. Just the one location.

OK, so it’s NOT true, but the one by my house sure seems like it’s the only one servicing the entire city. To get something to watch on Friday night, you have to be there Monday morning, because otherwise everything will be rented out. They literally never have ANYTHING in stock.

Last time we went there for a movie, they had rented out all their copies of GIGLI.

No, seriously. I’m really not joking about that. If I’d had a camera, I’d have taken pictures because it was just that unbelievable. This is not part of the story, this is something that actually happened: Blockbuster rented out all 12 copies of Gigli.

Yeah, it scared me too.

I’m pretty sure that means the seventh seal has been opened and some vials of God’s wrath have been unstopped or something.

Seriously, can you even fathom that? A video rental joint that gets SO much business that it can’t keep anything in stock so people end up having to rent what is considered one of the worst movies of all time? I swear on my mother’s grave I’m not making this up.

Speaking of Blockbuster, does anyone hate their new policies about due dates? “Oh, seven day rentals are due back on the ninth day!” Well then it’s not really a seven day rental now, is it dumbass? It’s a nine day rental. “Oh, but it’s still a seven day rental, we just give you a two day grace period.” Well then what were they before? Five day rentals with two day grace periods? No? Well then they’re still just nine day rentals now then, and you flunked grade school.

Anyway…

So yeah, I’m there bright and early Monday morning to try and score a movie for Friday evening along with the rest of the people who actually want to try and rent something at any point during the week. Ironically I live in Seattle, which I’m pretty sure is at least in part owned by Starbucks, and I totally do not drink coffee at all. Well at the very least exceedingly rarely, I think I had maybe half a dozen cups of coffee all last year. I don’t mind their chocolate brownie frappaccinos though, but there’s hardly any coffee in those things in the first place.

So yeah, I don’t drink coffee, and I’m not a morning person. I don’t wake up totally until about 11 o’clock, in which case I usually wonder where the hell I am, how I got there, and what am I doing in a ditch with a dead hooker. As you might imagine I’m a little slow to respond to things when I’m in that state.

Keeping that in mind, it should come as no surprise that while waiting in line to finally pay for my rental, it took me a good 10 minutes to realize that the person standing in line in front of me was wearing a cape and a cowl with pointy ears.

That’s BATMAN standing in line to rent a movie!

“Hey Batman,” I yawned, “how’s it going.”

“Just renting something for the weekend,” he replied.

I took a closer look at the video he was holding. “Dude… ‘Bridges of Madison County?'”

“What?”

“It’s ‘Bridges of Madison County’…”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“That is like the penultimate chick flick. It is the chick flick that all chick flicks aspire to be. When the would-be makers of chick flicks lay their sacrifices down at the altar, they do so at the altar of ‘Bridges of Madison County.’ To rent that movie is to admit that you have no testicles.”

“Um… I’m renting it for Catwoman.”

“Now if that were true, wouldn’t you have said something right away instead of stalling to think up an excuse.”

Batman just stared at me, while I wore my little smirk of smug satisfaction of having emasculated the baddest badass to ever badass stuff. Further evidence that I don’t think to clearly in the morning, because at that very moment he decked me so hard that my head spun around on my neck like I were in the Exorcist or something.

So yeah, never mouth off to Batman.

When he finally got to the front of the line to pay for his movie, there was this huge fuss about how he had returned the movie when he rented it last week at 12:02 instead of 12:00 and how he wasn’t going to pay the late fee for that.  The clerk was saying quite loudly how he didn’t care if he had been renting the same movie from that location every week for going on three years, he still had to pay the late fees.

About three weeks later they found his head and part of his arm. I think they’re still looking for the rest of him.

 

LEGENDS OF BATMAN!