All posts in Stories

  • I Really Was Voted That

    I have anger issues.

    And thanks to the classes I took while I was toying around with the idea of majoring in psychology before realizing that if I were to become a practicing psychologist I’d probably just fuck up my patients more than they already were, I have some insight into the source of why I’m ¬†such an angry, angry guy.

    My entire life, I was way bigger than any other kids my age. We had these plaster handprints in the living room of my family’s house, one of me, and one of my brother. Both were made when we were three years old. My brother’s hand didn’t fit inside my three year old hand print until he was like ten or so. Nowadays I’m just slightly taller than most people I meet (Although my dad’s got a good couple of inches on me), but for a while there I absolutely towered above every other kid my age.

    My parents were very much the non-violent types. Dad had been a Vietnam protestor (Ironically he had voluntarily enlisted too. Weird guy, my dad.), and mom is just rabidly anti-violence.

    She made me return Paper Boy for the NES because she felt throwing papers was too violent.

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  • Inspired by the Actual Name of a Cleaning Company

    There was one point in my life where for the longest time I thought my mom was having an affair.

    My mom.

    Having an affair.

    With… Batman.

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  • Coulrophobia

    You know what I hate? Old people.

    Well OK, not all old people. Some old people are still quite capable people. Sean Connery for instance. He’s pretty old, but he still kicks ass. No, what I’m talking about are the old people who are basically the living dead. They don’t serve any useful purpose, and just kind of meander around, using up my precious oxygen and being a burden on the pharmaceutical supply that I could be putting to better use to get real messed up.

    Those are the kind of old people I hate.

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  • Anachronism Video

    Seattle has a grand total of one Blockbuster Video.

    No really, it’s true. Just the one location.

    OK, so it’s NOT true, but the one by my house sure seems like it’s the only one servicing the entire city. To get something to watch on Friday night, you have to be there Monday morning, because otherwise everything will be rented out. They literally never have ANYTHING in stock.

    Last time we went there for a movie, they had rented out all their copies of GIGLI.

    No, seriously. I’m really not joking about that. If I’d had a camera, I’d have taken pictures because it was just that unbelievable. This is not part of the story, this is something that actually happened: Blockbuster rented out all 12 copies of Gigli.

    Yeah, it scared me too.

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  • Pumpkin Patch Kids

    Crystal’s a photography student.

    She’s also more artistically talented than I am in practically every way imaginable, which annoys me to no end because while my brain is chock full of kick-ass comics and robot designs, my own personal artistic ability sucks donkey scrotum.

    If I could draw, I’d have jotted down all my cool toy line ideas. If I could sculpt, I’d have made mock ups. I could be rolling in the dough if only I had the ability to get the ideas out of my head and into some physical form so I could pitch it to someone. But instead I clean up after dogs who crap in their kennels at an animal hospital.

    I digress. The thing about photography students is that whenever they buy something for any occasions, they base their decision on how photogenic it is. Sometimes this isn’t so bad, sometimes it drives me nuts.

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