Crisis in My Bladder

Fun fact: Last week the space-time continuum was in danger of collapsing. Of course none of you actually remember this happening, that’s something only myself and a select cadre of super-powered heroes who were present at the center of the nexus of the disturbance retained the ability to recall. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but let’s just say it was a climatic three-issue crossover event where the total destruction of the universe was prevented and space-time set back on its proper course with a gasket and a length of rubber hose.

But ironically enough, Batman wasn’t there for that.  So that’s really not a story for this time.

However, during the run up to the impending collapse of the space-time continuum, there was this little problem with alternate dimension and timelines crossing over into our reality. Let me tell you, it got to be quite a hassle. Every time you opened a door and stepped through without looking to make sure that your own universe was in fact on the other side, you’d find yourself in some alternate version of reality.

And of course it’s never a GOOD alternate version of reality where you’re like king of the universe and surrounded by a harem of a hundred super sexy redheads or super rich or it rains donuts or something. No, you always end up in a world where humans are persecuted by super-intelligent dinosaurs, where cows raise humans for food, or something like that.

One time I ended up in a world which seemed to have been populated by pudding, I swear to god.

So one night I wake up in the middle of the night and have to take a leak in the worst possible way. So I stumble out of the bedroom towards the bathroom, completely forgetting to check the other side of the door to make sure it’s actually the bathroom.

Suddenly I’m very cold, and there’s all this shouting and clanging and stuff, the floor is heaving left and right, and there’s this deafening roar of cannon fire, and all I can think is “Where’d I leave that toilet?”

Eventually I woke up a little more and realized that, once again, I’d fallen through another rift in space and time. It was really annoying because it’d happened like six times that day alone, and I really had to take a piss like you wouldn’t believe. Turned out I was on a pirate ship, which was just wonderful because I wasn’t even sure if they even HAD toilets on those things.

So as I’m doing the potty dance, I decide to take in the sights around me. Not so much because I was interested in what was happening, but I figured that you know, in these life threatening situations it’s best to try and survive until you can be sent back to your own time. Not that it really mattered that much, because this scurvy lot wasn’t interested in me at all.

No, they were all rushing headlong towards the front of the ship, where a giant battle was taking place. Well it wasn’t really a gigantic battle, it was just a bunch of pirates surrounding one lone figure, who was fighting them all off by his lonesome self. Eventually the crowd parted, and lo and behold, who should it be?

ALTERNATE REALITY BUCCANEER BATMAN!

And you thought he kicked ass in our timeline? You ain’t seen nothing ’till you see Alternate Reality Buccaneer Batman go and skewer some pirates with his sword and pistol skills. He’s all jumping off the rigging, and doing flips and stuff, and just totally laying waste to these guys.

It was so cool. A little gay, honestly, but cool. I mean he had this big giant hat with this huge purple feather in it…

So anyway, Batman finishes off all the pirates, and that’s when he spots me just standing there in a t-shirt and boxers, looking completely stoned because for me, this is happening in the middle of the night and all I want to do is go back to my own time and crawl into bed.

“Ahoy there, scalawag!” he shouts at me.

“Whazah now?” I mumbled back.

“Dost ye yield?”

“What, like at intersections?”

“Dost thou surrender before my blade?”

“Huh? Your blade surrenders second or something?”

At this point he started rubbing the temples of his mask like I was giving him a headache or something. C’mon… I’m giving YOU a headache man? You’re not time-skipping in your jammies and winding up on a pirate ship when all you want to do is take a leak.

I would have told him as much, but the rocking of the waves finally go to me and I puked on the spot. And of course at that very moment I was warped back to my own time, so I finally got to use the damned toilet.

As I crawled back into bed, Crystal says “Why do you smell like salt and vomit?

 

LEGENDS OF BATMAN!