Dental Plan

I have a friend on my AIM buddy list that I end up chatting to most every night. We usually only talk about two things: The Simpsons, and… Um… OK, guess it’s just that one thing. I guess it’s just lucky that the Simpsons have such a prolific body of work, because otherwise we’d run out of things to talk about in an awful hurry.

Anyway, so last month we were having a discussion on who we each thought the most underused bit character in the Simpsons was. For him, he thought it was Nelson’s dad. You may remember his only legitimate appearance in the episode where Homer becomes a boxer. After that, his appearance changed and he only showed up when Nelson was hallucinating or something.

WTF kind of choice is that? He wasn’t even that funny, it was just supposed to be an analogy of Homer getting beaten up by the fathers of the bullies that beat up Bart. I mean the overall joke was fairly good, but the character was ultimately forgettable.

For my money, the best character to never get the chance to shine was the dentist from the episode where Homer became the leader of his union and Lisa needed braces. Just the way they animated the scenes with him, lurking in the darkness while his hapless patients stared into the glaring light over their face, only to have him spring forward and yell at them about their dental habits.

Plus he had that whole Hannibal Lector voice going on…

“How often do you brush, Ralph?”

“Twice a day, sir.”

“Must you turn my office into a house of LIES?”

And of course he only got the one episode to appear in… I mean c’mon, they brought back Dr. Monroe, and they outright said he was DEAD both in the show and in the official website. The least they could do is an episode where Lisa gets her braces removed and pull the dentist out of the mothballs.

So anyway, the moment I finish the conversation, that episode’s most memorable moment pops into my head, where Homer is staring off into space hearing Lenny and Marge’s voice repeating the same two sentences over and over and over again.

And of all the luck, the damned thing gets stuck in my head like a song that you can’t get rid of.

“Goodbye dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

“Dental plan!”

“Lisa needs braces.”

Annoying as all hell, isn’t it? Now imagine it was stuck in your head for about 48 hours, give or take.

As you can imagine, I lasted about six hours before I went quite mad.

Yes, I went stark raving crazy. I mixed green and clear glass in the recycling bin. I drank red wine with fish instead of white. I signed up for the Columbia Music Club. I removed the tags off mattresses that you aren’t supposed to remove. I wore black socks with shorts. I ate my entree with the salad fork. I didn’t separate my lights and darks in the laundry. I went over my past tax returns to make sure I didn’t shortchange the government.

I voted for Dennis Kucinich in the primaries.

And apparently I was running around downtown naked wearing some poor sap’s bloody skull on top of my head screaming, “I am a fairy princess!” But I don’t remember that happening.

So anyway, I’m scrounging around in an alley somewhere, covered in filth and arguing with the rats (But the damned buggers just wouldn’t see my point.). “Don’t you GET IT?” I’d scream, “Lisa needs braces! SHE NEEDS BRACES! But if they lose the dental plan, then they’ll have to pay for the braces themselves! Where are you going?! COME BACK HERE YOU FILTHY VERMIN, I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!”

So I’m crawling after the scurrying rats in my haze of madness down the alley, when I run into a pair of legs. Looking up and who should I see?

BATMAN! In all his glory, his massive frame framed by the silver orb of the full moon hanging in a sky lit blood red by the lighting of the diseased city below. And, just for the moment, I regained enough of my senses to plead for help.

“Batman,” I said, “please, you’ve got to give me some knockout gas or something… Anything, ANYTHING to make the voices stop!”

Moving so fast that I don’t even know what’s happened, he backhands my face and my temple explodes in pain and I witness the birth of the universe as a billion tiny stars appear in my line of sight.

“OW! You sadistic ass, what the– Hey, the voices stopped! Oh wait, there they go again…”

BAM! Another crack, this time to the other side of the head.

“It’s working! Quick, hit me again!”

SMACK!

“Don’t be a pussy!” I gurgle through a mouth filled with blood. “HIT ME!”

WHAM!

And so the savage beating continued, each blow knocking another word of the tormentuous meme out of my mind (And taking several teeth with it). Finally, when I could barely hold a coherent thought in my head, let alone a repetitious bit of dialog, I grinned a gaping smile and squinted through swollen eyes and said “There. It’s finally gone. Thanks Batman!”

“Not a problem,” he said as he turned away and left me hunched over a pool of my blood in the alley.

And yet as he walked away, something started to worm its way into my head ad naseum…

“Nunna nunna nunna nunna, nunna nunna nunna nunna, BATMAN!”

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

LEGENDS OF BATMAN!