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Gabliam Me not welcome you, readers of my column. Summer and coming to a close, which basically mean Labor Day am coming up soon. Me am not sure what Bizarro version of Labor Day am, considering am it called Labor Day, and everyone already celebrates it by relaxing, so that am a little confusing for me. So me figure that what me do on Labor Day is plant a tree. Since, after a fashion, labor am a form of industrialization, which usually results in cutting down trees, me impliment plan to celebrate Labor Day as Arbor Day, and Arbor Day as Labor Day on Bizarro World! How me think of this, me do not know. It am a gift. Or a rip-off.
As it am soon time for many of you younger non-Bizarros to start school, me think it am a good time to illuminate you on nature of the Bizarro education system. Luckily, Chris write in to ask that very question!
Bizarro,
Wait a minute, weren’t you created fully from that “momad” machine? How can you talk about going to High School when you were never even a kid! Is this stupid Bizarro trying to lie to us or evil Bizarro?Of course me am starting school right now. Me just took four years at Bizarro University unlearning everything me have already known! If us am on a sports team, than us get an “athletic scholarship”! Once us am an athlete scholar, us do our best to ungraduate--teachers am very strict on athletes. Us given hardest of possible classes, but it am the fair kind of strict.
Then come the lower grades. Us go through Bizarro High School, where we take courses like “smoke in the bathroom” (Us burn down a lot of bathrooms that way) and play “Balldodge” in Phys Ed. The point of that game is the ball have to make sure it does not touch us, or the ball am out. One might think it am not an easy game to play. Since all of us chase after ball at same time, us collide very hard into one another. Somehow the ball always escape. The ball am quite a tricky opponent and a worthy adversary!
Than it am elementary school. By this time, us have forgotten many lessons us learn in High School (Though somehow, it appear us not forget that much. Me wonder why that am.) Us forget things like reading and math. (Me am very good at forgetting Bizarro arithmetic, like B + C =BC. And me think BC am a thousand years, so in many ways, math and history am quite closely related. ) By kindergarten, us completely forget how to read and do math. It am at this stage of unlearning development that us gain a pretigous title on our ungraduation certicate; Us become loud! Me think that am what it am called, anyway. Momad would be so proud!
So basically, that am how the tenant of the Bizarro education system works. Me assume that you am rather familiar with it, as me always see your most oldest congressman on C-Span, and they definitely seem as uneducated as the unwise elders here on Bizarro World! The more things change…the more things change!
Speaking of History, Justin write to ask about fabled Military leader, and if he have an opposite on Bizarro World.
Hey, I was wondering, on Bizarro World, was Napoleon a really tall guy? And when really tall guys are reeling from low self esteem, is that a Bizarro Napoleon Complex?
On Bizarro World, us not have complexes. Us have “simples”. For instance, us have an Oedipus Simple where at the later stages of development, a mother feels jealousy over father’s love for child, so she end up killing father and marrying herself. Than child make some sort of vague prophecy and makes her queen, after realzing what she has done, she make herself deaf. And than she ask her daughter to electrocute her, so that she am able to get electro-simple too. See, you can’t get more simple than that!
The thing is, when you ask if us have Bizzaro historical figures, one must keep in mind you am only able to create imperfect duplicates of people that am alive, since according to Superman, us am not alive to begin with. So making a Bizarro version of someone that am dead would make a living, Non-Bizarro person, which would mean they would not belong on Bizarro World. However, me figure that on Bizarro World, history am something that has not happened yet! Therefore, me am just going to predict something am going to happen, and rest assured that qualifies as Bizarro History!
Bizarro Napoleon will never come to power, because France am so full of great military intelligence and capable fighters, no one will particularly stand out and take over the world! In fact, in such an impressive community, young Bizarro Napoleon will begin to feel suppressed, and instead become a camp counselor. Not even a very conquering camp counselor at that--he will be put in charge of arts and crafts, and watch as kids eat macaroni and make artwork with paste, which will all mock Napoleon with pictures of him smelling nice.
Also, with the lack of strong military enemy, Britain will never depend on a sophisticated Navy. In fact Navy will generally never develop. Which will mean disco group the Village People will never have a hit song about Navy, resulting in them not effectively killing Disco Craze. Disco music will continue unabated, which means hip-hop music will never form. Meanwhile, Bizarro Kylie Minogue will have no novelty to base her career on and…um…will likely also become a camp counselor. Come to think of it, Kylie am rather short too, so me guess on Bizarro World, all camp counselors will be the diminutive, while the children hover above them. There! That makes perfect Bizarro sense!
So basically, even though many of you younger round-worlders am on vacation (Bleach!) me think me was able to teach you all sorts of valuable lessons. Us learn that disco am not dead, it just has not been born yet! And that the taller you am, the less deaf you am! And that that you am never too old to unlearn.
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